Random Harry Potter Junk
by Jenny and Clem and That Lot
Summary: Just read it or Clemmy eat your knickers. [Jenny can't be held responsible for this, as it is written by Clemmy the lunatic]
1. Story 1 and 2

Random Jottings

By Clemmy and Jenny

A/N – Bold Clemmy and Italics Jenny Underline Hettie

**One day Harry and Ron were walking along holding hands.**

"**I love you!" Ron said.**

"**Shut up." Harry said bluntly.**

**Then Malfoy popped out of thin air.**

**Malfoy had always had a big crush on Harry but he was nasty to him, because he was playing hard to get.**

**But Harry had no idea about it, but Ron wasn't that ugly and dumb.**

**Suddenly Voldemort popped out of a tree and killed Ron.**

"**My lover!" Harry cried.**

"**Your stupid lover!" cried Malfoy.**

**Then Voldemort committed suicide.**

**Harry cried and cried.**

"**Life is not worth living now!" Harry screamed.**

**Hermione came along and saw Ron dead, she laughed.**

**Harry laughed.**

**Malfoy laughed.**

**They all laughed.**

"**What's so funny?" Malfoy asked.**

"**Shut up." Harry said.**

"**You're sad." Hermione said.**

"**Shut up," said Harry.**

Hermione thought this was so weird that she wet herself. Then she took of her knickers and shoved them in Harry's mouth. 

"_Shut up." Mumbled Harry._

"_Okay!" said Hermione and hugged him. Harry looked shocked and ate a squirrel._

"_You suck!" said Malfoy and ate a shark. The shark then ate him, from the inside. _

_Suddenly Harry barfed and out came Pikachu. Pikachu electrocuted Malfoy's dead body and gave birth to a muffin. The muffin then stabbed Pikachu with a fork. The fork died, but Pikachu remained unscathed._

_Hermione then was so shocked that she kissed Harry's leg. Then Harry gave birth to Bulbasaur. Hermione kissed Bulbasaur._

**Well while every thing was dying the lord of the dance had died and cried.**

**Um.**

**Well Harry decided to join the dark side.**

**Hermione said, "Ummm I'm telling!"**

**And then she went and told Hagrid who said, "Go away I'm giving birth."**

**Hermione cried.**

**She went home and was never to be seen again.**

**No one cared.**

**Life was going weird. "She was a dumb mud blood!" Harry said. And then went swimming.**

**And while he was swimming a huge shark came up to him.**

"**Hello, I'm a terrifying shark and I'm gonna eat you! Ha ha ha!" **

"**Alahcarpofff!" he yelled and the shark turned into a little goldfish.**

"**Shut up," ha said.**

**Malfoy you might think he's dead but you are wring in fact he's talking to me right now.**

**He's an actor that eats fish.**

Harry went on a search for Hermione and found Hagrid's child. She was a Barbie doll. Then Harry found Voldemort and conquered the world and captured JK Rowling. They imprisoned her in a magic chicken pen. Then Harry married the Barbie because she had split up with Ken because he was gay. **But then Harry remembered so was he so he married Ken instead.** Barbie cried and fell off a cliff. Harry murdered Ken.

Ken died and went to Hell, where he ate chicken noodles all day. Harry found Hermione and hugged her. They gave the fork a funeral. **Everybody died except one atom.**

Story 2

James Potter and Lily Potter were married. Lily was expecting a baby, she had a craving baked beans, brussel sprouts and cheese on toast with ketchup and HP. They all smelt of fish, surprisingly. 

**When Harry was young he would eat grass like a cow.**

**Everyone thought Harry was a cow so they made him a bell and they would milk him.**

**Harry would cry.**

"**Get bent" was his first thousand words.**

"**Mother of pearl!" was his million.**

"**Shut up." Was his favourite though.**

_When James was at work, Lily would go round to Sirius's house._** And they would have fun time.**_ Lily liked Sirius and her fun time together. They would play trains, leap frog and dogs_. But one day when they were playing leap frog Sirius's trousers fell off.

(Note he was going commando. We won't go into what happened there. One word. Eew..)

**Harry liked being cow so much he had a calf and named it Bob. They ate him that night.**

**Reality check. Harrys parents Lily and Sirius.**

**Ha bet you didn't know that. James never did.**


	2. Story 3

One day Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking alongCodsvill beach, suddenly Ron started dribbling and stared off into space.

"What's up?" Harry asked in his geeky voice.

"Hermione, will you go out with me?" Ron asked.

Hermione said yes and they went on ahead without Harry.

Secretly Harry was in love with Hermione because she was a geek just like him and Ron was just, Ron.

Harry went off to the local DIY store and bought himself a chainsaw mohwahahahahaha!

He caught up with Ron and Hermione, who were kissing wildly.

Harry ran up to Ron and sliced him up into squares, blood splattered all over Hermione, who was screaming like a baby.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Harry just laughed as he rubbed the blood and guts into the sand, in doing this he turned it a nice red that went with the shoes he was wearing.

Hermione was crying her heart out, physically, and I o mean physically because at that moment her heart popped out her mouth on the beach, then with out warning a crab ate it and did a little dance.

Harry then proposed to Hermione, who said yes because she and only she knew she had no heart to give to him, as the crab had eaten it.

_**TWO YEARS LATER.**_

Hermione was cooking tea for her, baby Tom and Harry when there was a knock at the door, Hermione answered it. It was the police.

"Hello I'm inspector Cheeze are you the Hermione Potter?" The inspector asked.

Hermione said she was.

"Well I've come to arrest your husband Harry Potter for the death of Ron and Voldermort; they were good men all sliced into square. Sniff." The inspector wiped hi nose on the rug. (Voldermort had been his sister's lover once.)

Well at then Harry walked in at that moment, the inspector arrested him and was taken to Coldberri Prison because Coldberri was his home town, (if you didn't know that!)

Anyway Hermione decided she secretly loved Draco, so she phoned him up and married him straightaway.

She was into polygamy.

But since she hadn't divorced Harry everyone thought she was a mad cow that loved evil spuds.

_**FIVE YEARS LATER.**_

Harry was rotting in jail.

Hermione was a mother of six.

Draco was a father of five.

(Hint: it does make sense since Tom was Harry's son, get it?)

Dumbledore had been promoted fish of the year.

ISN'T LIFE ODD?

_**TWENTY YEARS LATER.**_

Harry was now forty five.

He was still in prison.

Hermione was a mother of thirty six, and never visited him.

She was now married to Remus Lupin, who was a father of seven.

She had also been married to Neville, Snape, Dumbledore, and Barliman Butterbur who wasn't even in Harry Potter.

Suddenly Sirius came back to life and visited Harry.

"Why you little farthead! How could you! You knew I was in love with Madam Rosemerta. And then you marry her! I hate you! Prepare to die!"

Harry hadn't seen Madam Rosemerta for thirty years, and had hated her very much.

"I didn't!" he cried.

Sirius took no notice. "Don't lie to me!" Sirius turned into a bulldog and ripped Harry's throat out.

Boo hoo.

(Oh well! Who cares.)

_**Fifty Years later.**_

Hermione was ninety five and on her deathbed. She had all her five hundred and fifty two children around her. (Including Tom.)

She also had all her surviving husbands 56.

WOW.

Ok I'm going now I'm bored of writing, mmmm squid and jelly on toast! Yum yum.

Love a random girl. (a.k.a Clemmy.)


End file.
